Twisted
by Imaginary1.x
Summary: OMC! What Happened To Edward! Humor/parody. Please don't burn me! Read & Review ! Rated for....strange things! COMPLETE! previously titled "Edward's Problem"
1. It looked tasty

**DISCLAIMER: Don't Own The Twilight Series! Stephanie Meyer Does! I just make them do Weird and Twisted things...**

**A/N:** This is a totally crap && random Twilight fanfiction that is about a moronic idea of Edward's that had interesting results. Please, Please don't hate me! I love Edward, I really do but i can't resist writing odd things about him! R & R. Humour.

**Edward's Problem**

Edward's POV

"OH MY CARLISLE!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, which was loud seeing as I am a vampire.

Alice's POV

"OH MY CARLISLE!" I screamed a moment after Edward, as I saw Edward clutching his stomach in agony.

I was getting panicky when Edward didn't immediately get up, sensing this Jasper came into the room sending waves of calm.

Jasper's POV

Sensing my darling Alice's panic I ran downstairs and sent waves of calm throughout the whole house. I didn't even notice my painfully repressed brother lying on the floor, until I heard a deep guttural growl escape his clenched teeth.

Edward's POV

"JASPER YOU WILL STOP WITH THE WAVES OF CALM IF YOU WANT TO KEEP YOUR HEAD!" I roared while clutching my stomach.

It is rather amazing; I do believe that this is causing me similar pain to the transformation into a vampire.

Jasper's POV

I jumped back in surprise at Edward's outburst. Quite personally I liked my head and wish to keep it so I decided to drop the waves of calm and ran out of the house quickly, protecting my fabulously attractive head the entire way out.

Carlisle's POV

Edward was there writhing on the floor in agony. I knew just what was happening and I suppressed a smile.

"Edward, what have you eaten?" I asked. At that he looked up at me with remorseful and ashamed eyes.

Edward's POV

Oh No! I've been found out! It's despicable I know, but they looked so tasty. I ate them and I'd do it again! Well maybe I'm being a little bit melodramatic with the screaming and the writhing but what I'm going through is very painful!

"It looked tasty." I muttered out loud.

Carlisle's POV

I felt my eyes bulge. Did he really just say 'It looked tasty'? That is something I would expect from Emmett but never Edward! Edward is the smart and reasonable one, what could have possessed him to EAT whatever it is that he ate? Emmett was going to be here soon and if he sees him like this, he will never live it down.


	2. Authors Note! Should I Continue?

A/N: So what do you think? Pretty lame? Okay? Should I continue?! Wait till i put up my fanfiction about Aro! hehe, I'm odd, I know. review


	3. What Did He Eat!

**DISCLAIMER: Don't Own The Twilight Series! Stephanie Meyer Does! I just make them do Weird and Twisted things...**

**Edward's Problem**

**CHAPTER 2 - What Did He Eat?!**

Carlisle's POV

"OH FOR PETE'S SAKE EDWARD! STOP BEING SO DAMN PROUD AND TELL ME WHAT YOU ATE!!" I bellowed.

I noticed Alice jump at the tone and volume of my voice, Edward however remained moaning on the floor refusing to tell me what he ate.

Jasper's POV (still running away)

Hmm, I wonder if it's safe to stop running yet. I heard Edward cry out once more. NO! It's NEVER Safe to Stop Running, Especially when my gorgeous head is at stake! No I shall continue to run until I am sure that me beautiful head is safe at last.

Speaking of beautiful head, I better check that my hair isn't getting ruined by all this running. I dug my hand into my left pocket and pulled out a mirror and comb. I raised the mirror up to my face and began combing my hair neatly. A few moments later I lowered the mirror and comb and lowered my gaze from the path to place them back in my pocket.

I looked up a moment too late. CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oops, I forgot about trees.

Carlisle's POV

Ugh, How many times have I told Jasper not to Run and groom at the same time?! I hope the tree he hit wasn't too old. Those ones are protected and I can't have those insane Park Rangers on my doorstep _Again_!

"Oh The Pain! The Pain Of It All!" Edward moaned.

"Well I might be able to stop the pain if you would JUST TELL WHAT THE HELL IT IS YOU ATE!!!!" I Yelled.

This whole situation was tiring.

I thought seeing as I had to practically _baby-sit_ Aro all weekend that my 'family' might decide to behave itself for at least an hour, but oh was I wrong! If It isn't Rosalie & Alice arguing over which clothing store is better, it's Jasper asking if his jeans made his ass look fat; and if it isn't Jasper Its Bella decapitating herself on the welcome mat at the front door. (of course Bella doesn't literally decapitate herself but she does get a serious injury to which I, the mystical Dr Vampire, has the obligation to tend to it.)

The last person I would expect to screw something up was Edward. Ha, Edward. He won't even do the deed with Bella, _Prude!_

God Edward! Just Tell Me What You ATE!!!

Edward's POV

STUPID EDWARD! STUPID EDWARD! STUPID EDWARD! What on earth was I thinking, huh?! I mean seriously, not even Emmett would have behaved so foolishly. Oh No. Emmett. I can't let him see me like this!

'Come on Edward! Be a Man-type-walking-dead-type-being... okay forget that part! Just Tell Carlisle that you ate a...

**A/N: Hey, Cliffy! HAHA I'm evil I know! Anyway I regret to inform but I have WRITERS BLOCK! Help! I am seriously stuck for Ideas! I practically **_**forced**_** this chapter out of me, so I apologise if it sucks! Please Review!**


	4. Emmett ate WHAT!

**DISCLAIMER: Don't Own The Twilight Series! Stephanie Meyer Does! I just make them do Weird and Twisted things...**

**Edward's Problem**

**CHAPTER 3 - **Emmett ate WHAT?!

**Edward's POV - (Flashback in Italics)**

(Start Flashback)

_I walked slowly through the dark hallway bored out of my brain. That's when I decided I should try and explore the house more thoroughly. I actually managed to find a secret passageway that led to a secret room. _

_The room was large with creme walls and burgundy curtains, even thought there weren't any windows. There was no furniture in the secret room, except for a aged wooden table in the direct centre. What was sitting on top of the table, was what interested me the most though. _

_I walked forward and cautiously picked it up. I then had the strangest thought. 'I wonder what it tastes like. It looks tasty.' I am ashamed to say that I then acted on this thought. Needless to say, I regretted it almost instantly._

(End Flashback)

Oh Dear God, Rosalie's here now! KILL ME NOW!!

**Rosalie's POV**

Hmm, I wonder what he ate.

"Oh God! Can anyone think of ANYTHING that Edward might have eaten?" Carlisle asked exasperated.

"Hmm, do you think he did something that Emmett would do?" I inquired.

"Yes," Carlisle replied looking at me. "What exactly has Emmett eaten in the past?"

"Oh, heaps of things! He once at a blue squeaky dog toy! Ooh, and a rubber ducky, he also at a bunch of human food. Not to mention the more abnormal things." I replied, shuddering.

"Abnormal? Ha, what do you mean by that? Did he eat a condom or something?" Alice said laughing.

I however did not. Alice stopped laughing immediately.

"Oh My God! Did Emmett actually eat a condom?!" Alice asked horrified.

I nodded sadly. "He said he wanted to know what it tasted like. I guess it was one of his 'gay' moments."

Carlisle looked ill for a moment, before kneeling next to Edward. "Edward, did you eat a condom?"

Edward looked up at Carlisle horrified. "NO! Even I'M not _that_ sick!"

Carlisle sighed. "I'm sorry Edward. I have to ask everything because you won't tell me what you ate even if it means you get better!"

"Edward just tell Carlisle what you ate! When Emmett gets home this will all get one thousand times worse! Just tell us what you ate! Don't be ashamed! It can't be worse than the thousands of things that Emmett has eaten." Alice pleaded.

She had a point there. Edward was nothing compared to Emmett.

None of us would get to Edward. There was only one person who could get Edward to tell us what he ate. Bella.

**Bella's POV**

_I was having the most wonderful dream. Edward and I were in our meadow. Nothing could harm us or keep us apart._ All was peaceful, until I was abruptly woken up by Rosalie.

I didn't even get to ask what was happening, before she snatched me up and before I knew it I was at the Cullen's house. As I steadied myself I noticed Edward writhing in pain on the floor.

"Oh My God! What Happened?" I asked horrified.

"Bella, we need you to make Edward tell us what he ate." Carlisle said quietly.

I nodded and kneeled next to Edward and tapped him on his shoulder, as he did not even know I was there. He slowly turned around and looked ashamed.

I bent down and whispered in his ear. "Edward, honey, what did you eat?"

**Carlisle's POV**

It worked. Edward actually told Bella what he ate! And she only had to ask once!

I saw Bella's mouth drop open in shock as Edward told her what he ate.

She looked up at me and said quietly. "Edward ate a..."

**A/N: That's it for this chapter! Another Cliffy I know! Let me know what you think?! Review! xx LittleMissShy93**


	5. Oh My God Edward!

**DISCLAIMER: Don't Own The Twilight Series! Stephanie Meyer Does! I just make them do Weird and Twisted things...**

**Edward's Problem**

**CHAPTER 4 - **Oh My God Edward!

_**Previously on Edward's Problem: **_

_She looked up at me and said quietly. "Edward ate a..."_

**Carlisle's POV**

"Edward ate a . . . . . ." Bella Began.

"Yes, Edward Ate A What, Bella?" I pushed.

She gave Edward a half glance and her face turned to a discreet look of disgust.

"He ate... A pile of Aro's Toenail clippings." She finished, gagging.

I opened my mouth as if to say something but nothing came out. Among the many things that I was thinking, the thought that stood out most was _"How on Earth did Aro's toenail clippings get into our house?"_

"Ed... Edward, Where exactly did you find the um... clippings?"

Edward looked up at me. "In the secret room, that is beyond the secret passageway, which is behind the pillar on the second floor."

Wow, did he practice that? I mean that sounded very theatrical.

Anyway, back to the topic. _WHAT THE HELL WAS ARO DOING IN MY HOUSE? WHERE MY DARLING WIFE AND 'CHILDREN' ARE! OH MY GOD!!_

**Rosalie's POV**

Kind of creepy. Stalker-ish even. I mean think about it, Aro from the Volturi was in our house at some unknown time in history to place a pile of his toenail clippings in a secret room that none of us knew about. Who knows, he could even be watching us right now! My eyes darted around the room in search of a monitoring device.

**Aro's POV**

I watched grinning as Edward's human pet's face turned to disgust as he told her what he ate. I would have thought Emmett would eat it, not _Edward!_ Still I can't feel too sorry for him, this is too entertaining. I noticed Rosalie's eyes dart around the room, Ha! As if she would find my cameras. Pure genius. That is all I can say about my idea to put hidden video camera's in _every_ room in their house. In _Every _room. I smiled to myself. Pure Genius.

**Some Time Later...**

**Edward's POV**

Yes it's true; I ate a pile of Aro's toenail clippings. They looked so appetizing, though. I finally sat up straight. Carlisle finished forcing me to vomit up the delicious toenails. I looked over towards my Bella. She looked as if she too were going to vomit out the entire contents of her stomach.

Carlisle, Rosalie and Alice all shook their heads at me as If I were a nut job. Seriously, shouldn't they be trying to figure out how Aro got in our house and planted the toenails in the first place?

The door burst open at that exact second and Emmett waltzed in.

"What did I miss?" He smiled.

All of them groaned and I all of a sudden became more embarrassed than I have ever been in my entire life.

Esme walked in behind Emmett, her hair strangely tussled. Strange. That Emmett and Esme left the house and came back into the house at the same time. **(A/N: If that isn't a big enough 'hint' for you, I don't know what! Emmett x Esme!)**

Carlisle completely chose to ignore his wife's state and smiled. Denial.

I pulled myself up and pulled A clueless Bella out the front door. Alice and Rosalie left the room as well and 'conveniently' enough Carlisle was paged to the hospital which left Emmett and Esme all alone.

**Aro's POV**

Oh My God! Poor Carlisle! That Slut doesn't deserve to be with him! He should be with someone who appreciates the man he is. The strong, masculine, godlike man he is. He should be with someone... Like Me!

I continued watching in disgust. I always watch. Always watching.

**A/N: So what do you think?! Stalker Aro! Scary Huh? lolz! Review! **


	6. Final AN

**A/N!**

**Okay I am **_**NOT**_** going to continue writing this story. I'm really sorry! But It would be really great if You guys review or send me a PM with new story ideas that you would like me to write it would be great! I might start a new story with the suggestions, if i get any that is.**

**Thank you,**

**LittleMissShy93**


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